Divorce Test: Map Whether to Stay or Go with a Clear Next Step
Should I get a divorce? The Divorce Test maps relationship strain, ambivalence, and repair potential using discernment counseling research, then shows patterns worth discussing before you decide to stay or go.
Reviewed by Michael Callans, MSW 
Divorce Test: Should I Stay or Go? is a free, confidential 16-question self-assessment, a structured self-reflection, not a verdict. It takes about 9 minutes, runs entirely in your browser, and gives you a plain-language score across 4 interpretation bands plus an optional in-depth report. It is an educational screening, not a diagnosis.
Three honest lenses on a hard question
The Divorce Test is a self-assessment of disconnection, conflict, repair, and uncertainty about staying together. It helps you describe what feels difficult and what willingness remains, so a conversation with a professional can start with specific concerns. Your answers cannot predict divorce or determine whether staying is right for you.
Disconnection and conflict
Whether you are living like roommates, whether affection and sharing have thinned out, and whether your conflict follows the corrosive patterns John Gottman calls the four horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Repair and effort
The other side of the ledger: whether you can still laugh together, whether someone reaches out after a bad argument, and whether real willingness to work on the relationship is still present. Repair is one of the strongest signs a strained relationship can recover.
Which way you are leaning
How much you are leaning out: fantasizing about leaving, feeling checked out, or staying mainly for the kids, money, or fear. Researchers call couples where one partner leans out while the other leans in mixed-agenda couples, and there is help designed exactly for that spot.
| Feature | Typical free quiz | Psychology.com |
|---|---|---|
| Tells you whether to divorce | Often claims to | Never. That decision is yours |
| Grounded in published research | Rarely | Yes, Doherty, Gottman, Amato |
| Measures repair, not just problems | No | Yes, a dedicated category |
| Recognizes ambivalence as normal | No, forces a side | Yes, it is the whole point |
| Points to real decision support | No | Yes, discernment counseling |
| Clinician-reviewed language | Rarely | Yes, reviewed |
| Confidential (no data sent) | Often tracked | Runs in your browser |
How scoring works
Answers are scored 0–64 in total. Your result falls into one of 4 bands:
| Score | Band | What it suggests |
|---|---|---|
| 0–16 | Connected, with normal strain | Your answers describe a relationship that is fundamentally connected, with the ordinary strain that comes with sharing a life. If you took this test, something prompted it, and that is worth a gentle look too. |
| 17–32 | Strained but workable | Your answers describe real strain alongside real remaining connection. Relationships in this range often respond well to effort, especially when it starts before the patterns harden. |
| 33–48 | Seriously strained | Your answers describe serious strain, and likely real ambivalence about staying. That ambivalence is normal at this level, and it is exactly the situation good decision support was built for. |
| 49–64 | Deeply leaning out | Your answers describe deep strain and a strong lean toward leaving. Before acting in either direction, this is the moment for real discernment help, so whatever you decide, you decide it with clarity. |
How the score is calculated
The test has 16 statements split evenly across four categories: disconnection, conflict and contempt, repair and effort, and leaning out, four statements each. You rate every statement from 0 (strongly disagree) to 4 (strongly agree), so each category can total up to 16 points, and the four combine into an overall strain score from 0 to 64. The repair and effort statements are reverse-scored, since agreeing with them (still laughing together, still willing to put in effort) points away from strain rather than toward it.
Your overall score falls into one of four bands, from connected with normal strain up to deeply leaning out, but the breakdown by category often matters more than the total. Two people can land on the same overall number for very different reasons: one carrying mostly distance and fading repair, another carrying active contempt alongside real remaining fondness. Reading the four categories side by side, not just the single score, is the more useful way to use this test.
These score bands are editorial descriptions created for this self-assessment. The research cited here informs the themes, but it does not validate this questionnaire or establish a score at which someone should separate. A low total cannot rule out abuse, and a high total cannot tell you whether repair is possible.
How this differs from the Should We Break Up Quiz and the Relationship Satisfaction Test
Psychology.com has related tools for related questions, and it helps to pick the one that fits where you actually are. The Should We Break Up Quiz is built for dating and cohabiting relationships that have not been formalized by marriage, where the practical stakes of leaving are different from divorce. The Relationship Satisfaction Test steps back further and measures everyday happiness in the relationship, which is useful when you are not sure whether real strain exists at all, only a vague unease.
This test is built for a narrower, heavier question: a marriage or long-term committed relationship where separation or divorce is genuinely on the table. If you are earlier in the uncertainty and mostly noticing more friction than usual, the Relationship Satisfaction Test can help you see whether serious strain is actually present before you reach for a heavier tool like this one.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Where You Stand
Once you have some clarity from this reflection, how and when you raise it matters almost as much as what you decide. A conversation started softly, with a specific example and how it affected you, tends to land better than one that opens with blame or a stacked list of complaints. A structured format like I-Statements can help you say the hard part plainly without it turning into an attack, and the Couples Communication tool covers the same ground for either of you to use together. Timing matters too: raising this in the middle of an argument or right after one rarely goes well, while a calm, chosen moment gives both of you a real chance to hear each other.
If old patterns of trust, withdrawal, or overdependence keep shaping how these conversations go, our Trust Issues Test or Attachment Style Test can help you see what you are bringing into the discussion, separate from whatever your partner is bringing into it. And if the conversation itself feels too hard to start alone, a couples therapist or discernment counselor, found through the Psychology.com therapist directory, can hold that first conversation with you both in the room.
Only use a shared communication exercise when it feels safe to speak freely. If you expect threats, monitoring, punishment, or retaliation, seek confidential individual support before discussing the result with your partner. An abuse advocate can help you consider safer ways to get support, including safer access to a phone or device.
Practical Steps If You Are Leaning Toward Separation
If your answers point toward real leaning out, a few practical steps are worth taking early, even before you are certain, simply because they give you better information to decide with. Consulting a family law attorney for a single informational meeting, even on a maybe, clarifies what separation or divorce would actually involve where you live, which is often less frightening than the version in your head. Gathering copies of key financial documents, such as tax returns, account statements, and property records, is easier to do calmly now than under pressure later, and it is standard advice regardless of which way you ultimately go.
If children are involved, their routines and sense of security matter enormously through this period, and a family therapist can help you think through co-parenting questions well before any decision is final. This is general educational information, not legal advice, since laws and processes vary by location, so treat it as a starting checklist rather than a plan. Whatever you decide, having your own support, separate from the relationship itself, whether that is a therapist, a close friend, or both, makes the process considerably less lonely.
For a private counseling appointment, you could bring examples of what has changed, what you have already tried, and what you would need to feel safe and respected. Separate hopes about the relationship from questions about housing, parenting, or finances. You can return to the Psychology.com tests hub if you want to explore a different concern without treating another score as a decision.
Methodology & sources
There is no validated public instrument that can tell someone whether to divorce, and any quiz claiming otherwise is overreaching. This test is an honest educational self-reflection, and we label it as such. Its items are grounded in real research: William Doherty and Steven Harris's work on discernment counseling and mixed-agenda couples, where one partner is leaning out of the marriage while the other leans in; John Gottman and Robert Levenson's longitudinal research on the conflict patterns that predict divorce, especially contempt, and the repair behaviors that protect against it; Paul Amato's research on how divorce actually affects adults and children; and Alan Hawkins and colleagues' national research on divorce ideation, which finds that thoughts about divorce are common in intact marriages and often soften over time.
Your score describes where your strain and ambivalence sit right now. It is a snapshot of the present, not a forecast, and relationships move between these states in both directions. The test is deliberately non-directive: it will never tell you to stay or to go. Its purpose is to help you see your situation clearly and, if the strain is serious, to point you toward the kind of professional decision support, such as discernment counseling, that was built for exactly this question.
References
- Doherty WJ, Harris SM, Wilde JL. Discernment Counseling for "Mixed-Agenda" Couples. J Marital Fam Ther. 2016;42(2):246-255. doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12132
- Gottman JM, Levenson RW. The timing of divorce: predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. J Marriage Fam. 2000;62(3):737-745. doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2000.00737.x
- Amato PR. Research on divorce: continuing trends and new developments. J Marriage Fam. 2010;72(3):650-666. doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00723.x
- Hawkins AJ, Galovan AM, Harris SM, Allen SE, Allen SM, Roberts KM, Schramm DG. What are they thinking? A national study of stability and change in divorce ideation. Fam Process. 2017;56(4):852-868. doi.org/10.1111/famp.12299
- National Domestic Violence Hotline. Get help and plan for safety. thehotline.org/
Cite this source
Psychology.com. (2026, September 16). Divorce Test: Should I Stay or Go? Psychology.com. https://psychology.com/tests/divorce
Divorce Test: Should I Stay or Go? FAQ
Can a quiz really tell me whether to divorce?
No, and you should be wary of any that claims to. What a careful self-reflection can do is map where your strain sits, show you whether repair and willingness are still alive, and name how far you are leaning out. That picture is genuinely useful when you bring it to a couples therapist or discernment counselor. The decision itself belongs to you, and it deserves more than a score.
What is discernment counseling?
Discernment counseling is a structured approach developed by William Doherty and colleagues for couples who differ about whether to stay together. It helps clarify whether to continue as things are, separate, or try couples therapy. The published protocol includes both partners, with much of the work in separate conversations. If your partner will not participate, individual counseling can still give you space to examine your choices and support needs.
Is it normal to fantasize about leaving?
Yes, and more common than most people admit. National research on divorce ideation found that a meaningful share of people in intact marriages have thought about divorce recently, and for many those thoughts soften or come and go over time. What matters is not that the thought exists but its frequency and pull: an occasional daydream during a hard stretch is different from a detailed, persistent plan you keep returning to. This test asks about both.
What about the kids?
Children can be affected by both separation and ongoing conflict at home. Amato’s review describes varied outcomes shaped by family circumstances, including conflict, parenting, and resources. A quiz cannot predict what divorce would mean for your children. A family professional can help you consider their safety, routines, relationships, and exposure to arguments while you weigh your options. Avoid asking children to choose sides or making them responsible for the decision.
What if there is abuse in my relationship?
Then this is a different situation than ordinary ambivalence, and the stay-or-go framing of this test does not apply in the same way. If your partner harms you, controls you, or you are afraid of them, your safety comes first. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 (thehotline.org has secure chat). If you are unsure whether what you are experiencing counts, our emotional abuse test may help you name it.
Is this test confidential?
Yes, and for a question this private that matters. The test runs entirely in your browser. Your individual answers are scored in your browser and are never sent to us or linked to you. They stay in this tab so you can return to your result, and closing or clearing the tab clears them. If you ask us to email the PDF, we receive your summary scores with your email address, never your individual answers. No account is needed. Nobody, including us, can see how you answered.
Should I get a divorce or leave my husband or wife?
This test cannot answer that for you, and no quiz should. What it can do is reflect back where you currently sit: how much repair effort still feels available, how consistent your doubt has been over time, and whether safety is a factor that changes the calculus entirely. Discernment counseling research suggests that wanting to stay and wanting to leave at the same time is common ambivalence, not proof you are doing something wrong. Use your result as a prompt to get honest with yourself and, where it is safe to do so, with your partner, rather than as a verdict on whether to leave your husband or wife.
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