Questions to Ask Your Girlfriend: 110 Fun to Serious
Questions to ask your girlfriend are prompts that get past how was your day and into what she thinks, remembers and wants. There are 110 below, grouped from light and fun to the hard ones, with the research on why asking builds closeness and why the way you take the answer matters as much as the question.
Reviewed byMichael Callans, MSWLight and fun
- What is the last thing you saved a photo of, and why?
- If someone handed you a free week and a plane ticket, where would it go?
- What has been your most played song this year?
- Which compliment would you most like to overhear about yourself?
- What are you oddly competitive about?
- Which book or show do you recommend to everyone?
- What does a perfect day off look like, from waking up onward?
- What is in your bag that you would not leave the house without?
- What have you spent money on that turned out to be worth every cent?
- Which trend from when you were younger do you still quietly like?
- What is the best thing anyone has ever cooked for you?
- Which of your relatives do you most take after?
- What small thing can ruin your morning?
- If we started a business together tomorrow, what would it sell?
- What does a good birthday look like to you?
- Which city have you visited that you could see yourself living in?
- What hobby would you pick up if time and money were not a factor?
- What is the most memorable gift you have been given?
- What are you a little superstitious about?
- What is your usual coffee order, and has it always been that?
- What do you rewatch or reread when you are worn out?
- What is the most ridiculous argument you have ever had?
- Would you rather host the dinner or be invited to it?
- Which animal would you keep if space and money were no object?
- What phrase do you say far too often?
Getting to know her better
- What was your bedroom like when you were growing up?
- Which friend knows the oldest version of you?
- What did you think your life would look like at this age?
- Who was the first person who really believed in you?
- Which subject at school came easily, and which one defeated you?
- What decision did you make alone that you are glad you did not talk yourself out of?
- How do you like to be looked after when you are ill?
- What is the most useful thing your mother taught you?
- Which job taught you the most, even if you disliked it?
- What do you do when you are angry and cannot say so?
- What has to be true for you to feel properly rested?
- Which friendship that ended do you still think about?
- What did adults praise you for when you were young, and did it stick?
- What do people get wrong about you when they first meet you?
- What is the bravest thing you have done that nobody knows about?
- How do you make big decisions: lists, instinct, or talking it out?
- What do you do with a free afternoon when nobody needs anything from you?
- What have you had to teach yourself the hard way?
- Which of your own habits would you keep forever?
- What do you find exhausting that other people seem to enjoy?
- What would your twenty-year-old self be surprised by?
- Who do you go to when you cannot tell your friends something?
- What do you want to be known for at work?
- What do you spend money on without any guilt?
- What question do you wish people asked you more often?
Deeper
- What are you proudest of that nobody congratulated you for?
- What do you need in order to feel loved on an ordinary day?
- Which of your fears do you think you will carry for life?
- What did you learn about love from watching your parents?
- What do you want your life built around in ten years?
- When have you genuinely surprised yourself?
- What do you think you are avoiding at the moment?
- What does being safe with someone feel like to you?
- What have you grieved that was not a death?
- What do you forgive easily, and what do you never forgive?
- Which version of yourself do you miss?
- What do you want to have made or built by the end of your life?
- Where do you feel you have settled for less than you wanted?
- What does your anger want when it arrives?
- What do you believe happens after we die?
- Which story about your own life have you told so often that you no longer know how accurate it is?
- What have you changed your mind about in the last two years?
- What makes you feel small, and what makes you feel sure of yourself?
- What would you do with a year in which nobody expected anything of you?
- What would you say to someone you are no longer in contact with?
- What do you think your purpose is, if you think in those terms?
- Which part of your week is the loneliest?
- What do you keep hidden because you assume it is unappealing?
- What advice do you give that you do not follow yourself?
- What do you hope people say about you after you leave a room?
About us
- When did you first think this might be serious?
- What do I do that makes you feel loved even when I am not trying to?
- What do you need from me on the days you cannot explain why you feel bad?
- Which of our ordinary routines would you miss most?
- What do you want us to get better at?
- Where do you think I misread you?
- What have you given up for this relationship, if anything?
- How do you want to be told when something I did bothered you?
- What does a good argument between us look like?
- What would you change about our home first if money were no object?
- How do you want us to split what needs doing?
- Do you want more time together, more time alone, or something else entirely?
- What do you worry I will get tired of?
- Which of my friends or family do you feel closest to?
- What plan do you want us to make this year?
- How do you want to handle holidays with both families?
- What do you wish I asked you about more often?
- What makes you feel chosen?
- When did you last feel let down by me?
- What would make the next year a good one for us?
Hard but worth it
- Is there something you have wanted to tell me and never found the moment for?
- What do you need to know about my intentions that I have never said out loud?
- Do you want marriage, and what would it mean to you if you do?
- Do you want children, and what would change for you if that were not possible?
- What would you do if you stopped being happy here?
- Where do you feel unequal in this relationship?
- What have I done that you have not fully forgiven?
- What do you need me to take more seriously?
- How do you actually feel about the way we handle money?
- Is there anything about my family that worries you for the long term?
- What would you need from me if one of us became seriously ill?
- Do you ever feel lonely when we are together?
- What would you want me to do differently if you were struggling badly?
- What do you think we are both pretending is fine?
- What would it take for you to feel fully secure with me?
How to use these
Ask one question, then follow it up twice. The first answer is usually the version she has given before; the second and third are the ones you did not know. Answer every question yourself, in the same detail you were hoping for, so the evening stays a conversation rather than an interview.
Do not read down the page. Two questions with real follow-ups beat ten asked quickly, and the hard tier wants an unhurried evening rather than the tail end of an argument. If a question lands wrong, let it go and say you noticed. When she tells you something costly, resist fixing it: repeat back what you heard, ask one more question, and let the silence sit for a second longer than is comfortable.
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About this tool
Questions to ask your girlfriend is one of those searches that covers very different situations. Three months in, you want to know who she was before you met. Three years in, you may know her schedule in detail and still not know what she is worried about this month. The 110 questions here are written for both cases and sorted into five tiers, from light and fun through to the ones that need an unhurried evening. They are original to this page, chosen because each one can be answered in a real conversation rather than in a paragraph of theory.
Why a list helps at all: asking in escalating steps is one of the few closeness techniques with experimental support behind it. Arthur Aron and colleagues reported in 1997 that pairs of strangers who spent about 45 minutes alternating through a set of progressively more personal prompts felt measurably closer afterwards than pairs who spent the same time on small talk. That set, widely known as the 36 questions, is Aron's own research material and is not reprinted here. The transferable part is the structure: light first, turns rather than interviews, and personal questions arriving after easier ones have warmed the ground.
Be careful what you conclude from it. The pairs in that work were strangers, the measurement came immediately afterwards, and nothing in the design tells you how an established couple responds or whether the feeling holds for a week. Read it as evidence that the shape works, not as a promise about tonight. With someone you already live alongside, the lift usually comes from the specificity of the question rather than its intensity: what has been the hardest part of this month gets further than what are your deepest fears.
Disclosure also has to run both ways. Nancy Collins and Lynn Miller's 1994 meta-analysis of self-disclosure and liking separated three effects that are easy to confuse: we like people who open up to us, we open up more to people we already like, and we tend to like people more after opening up to them ourselves. That third one is the reason an interview feels hollow for both people. If you ask fifteen questions and offer nothing, she has done all the work of being known and you have stayed hidden, which is the opposite of what the deck is for.
John Gottman's love maps idea is the second thing worth borrowing. Watching couples over decades in his research laboratory, Gottman described partners in durable relationships as holding a detailed and constantly updated map of each other's inner world: the colleague who is driving her mad, the ambition she has not mentioned since January, the thing she is dreading next week. It is an observational framework rather than a tested treatment, so hold it loosely. Still, it reframes the task: the point of asking is maintenance, not discovery, and maps go out of date quietly.
The listening is the harder half. Harry Reis and Margaret Clark summarize decades of work on what they call perceived partner responsiveness: closeness grows when one person reveals something and the other responds in a way that leaves the first feeling understood, validated and cared for. Without that second step, disclosure does very little. In practice this means the enemy of a good question is a fast reply: fixing the problem, correcting a date, turning it into your own story, or going quiet and changing the subject. Say back what you heard in your own words, then ask one more question. Research on trained active listening in short conversations found that people felt more understood by listeners who did this than by listeners who gave advice, and the exercise at Active Listening breaks the moves into steps you can practice.
A few practical rules. Ask one question at a time and resist working down the page. Follow up twice, because the first answer is usually the rehearsed one. Pick a setting with something else going on, a walk, a drive, a long washing-up, which makes silences less loaded than sitting across a table. Keep the hard tier away from the end of an argument, where any serious question reads as a trap. And say why you are asking if she wonders: wanting to know her better is an easy motive to believe, and it stops the deck feeling like a test she might fail.
Some questions will land badly, and that is information rather than failure. A clipped answer, a joke that moves the subject, or irritation out of proportion to the question usually means you have touched something unresolved. The useful response is to stop, name it gently, and leave the door open for another day. Everyone gets to pass, and a deck where nothing can be declined stops producing honest answers. If one area is permanently closed and that costs you something, raise the pattern itself on a calm day instead of trying to get in through another question.
These questions do not score how well matched you are, and they are not a substitute for couples work. They build closeness between two people who are reasonably safe with each other; they do not repair contempt, repeated betrayal or a dynamic where one person is afraid to speak. If you want the same material as a regular habit rather than a one-off evening, Relationship Check-In Worksheet turns it into a short review you can repeat. If conversations keep ending the same bad way, or you notice yourself editing the truth to keep the peace, a licensed couples therapist is the right next step.
References
- Aron A, Melinat E, Aron EN, Vallone RD, Bator RJ. The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: a procedure and some preliminary findings. Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 1997;23(4):363-377.
- Collins NL, Miller LC. Self-disclosure and liking: a meta-analytic review. Psychol Bull. 1994;116(3):457-475.
- Reis HT, Clark MS. Responsiveness. In: Simpson JA, Campbell L, eds. The Oxford Handbook of Close Relationships. New York: Oxford University Press; 2013.
- Weger H Jr, Castle Bell G, Minei EM, Robinson MC. The relative effectiveness of active listening in initial interactions. Int J Listening. 2014;28(1):13-31.
- Gottman JM, Silver N. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown; 1999.
Cite this source
Psychology.com. (2026, November 6). Questions to Ask Your Girlfriend. Psychology.com. https://psychology.com/tools/questions-to-ask-your-girlfriend
Questions to Ask Your Girlfriend FAQ
What are good questions to ask your girlfriend?
The best questions to ask your girlfriend are narrow enough to picture and open enough to need more than a word. What was the hardest part of this month works; what are your deepest fears does not, because it asks her to summarize herself on the spot. Aim at situations rather than abstractions: how she wants to be looked after when ill, what she does with anger she cannot voice, which friendship she still thinks about. Then follow up on the detail she mentions almost in passing, which is where the real answer usually sits.
Do these questions only work for a girlfriend?
No. The page is named for the phrase people search, but the questions are written for an adult partner and almost none of them depend on her being a woman. There is a parallel set at the Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend page with different topics and phrasings, so a couple can take one deck each and neither of you knows what is coming. Both decks also work in long-term relationships, in new ones, and for people who are not partnered at all but want better questions for someone they are getting to know.
How do I ask a deep question without it feeling forced?
Attach it to something already happening. A question asked on a walk, in a car or while cooking feels much lighter than one asked across a table after you announce that you want to talk. Open with a tier that costs nothing, let the conversation warm up, and use the lighter answer as the bridge: you said your mother taught you that, what else came from her. If she asks why you are asking, tell her plainly. Wanting to know her better is believable in a way that a vague it is just interesting is not.
She gives short answers. What should I do?
Check three things before deciding she does not want to talk. Timing: tired, hungry or distracted produces short answers from anyone. Reciprocity: if you have asked five questions and answered none, she is being interviewed, and short answers are a reasonable response. Specificity: broad questions get broad answers, so narrow it to one situation or one month. If short answers hold across all three, accept the pass and come back another day. Pushing harder reliably produces a polite answer instead of a true one.
What should I do if her answer upsets me?
Say so, later, and separately. If a question about money, an old relationship or your future turns up something that stings, the moment of the answer is the worst time to react, because she will learn that honesty here is expensive and will give you less of it next time. Thank her for answering, sit with it, and raise your own side the following day as your reaction rather than her fault. If that feels impossible with the current state of things between you, that is worth a conversation with a couples therapist.
Does asking questions actually make a relationship stronger?
The evidence supports a narrower claim. Asking in escalating turns reliably increases how close two people feel in the moment, and work on intimacy suggests that closeness grows when disclosure is met with a response that feels understanding. What no study shows is that questions fix a struggling relationship. If the pattern is contempt, repeated betrayal or one person walking on eggshells, new questions will not touch it. In a relationship that is basically safe, regular honest asking is one of the cheapest things you can do for it.
How often should we do this?
Most couples do better with something small and regular than with one long evening of questions to ask your girlfriend and then nothing for a year. One or two questions a week, dropped into whatever you are already doing, keeps what Gottman called a love map up to date, which is the point. A longer sitting makes sense before a big decision, a move, a wedding or a hard anniversary. If you want a repeatable structure instead of picking at random, the Relationship Check-In Worksheet page gives you the same ground on a schedule.