Interpersonal Effectiveness (DEAR MAN)
The three DBT skills for handling difficult conversations: DEAR MAN to get your objective, GIVE to protect the relationship, and FAST to keep your self-respect.
About this tool
Interpersonal effectiveness is one of the four skill modules in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). It addresses a common struggle: knowing what you want in a relationship but not how to ask for it, ending up either passive and resentful or aggressive and regretful. The module teaches three skill sets that, used together, help you navigate difficult conversations while keeping both the relationship and your self-respect intact.
The first question in any interaction is what matters most here. Sometimes the priority is the objective: getting a need met, making a request, or saying no. For that, DBT uses DEAR MAN, a step-by-step way to be clear and assertive. Sometimes the priority is the relationship itself, where GIVE keeps the interaction warm and respectful. And sometimes the priority is your self-respect, where FAST helps you stay true to your values rather than caving or apologizing for existing.
These three are not mutually exclusive. In a real conversation you usually want all three at once, and the skill is in balancing them. A request to a close friend leans heavily on GIVE. A boundary with someone who has been crossing one leans on FAST. A negotiation at work leans on DEAR MAN. Deciding your priorities before you speak is what keeps you steady in the moment.
Like every DBT skill, interpersonal effectiveness improves with practice. Scripting your DEAR MAN ahead of time, or simply naming which of the three priorities matters most, turns conversations you used to dread into ones you can walk into prepared.
- Linehan MM. DBT Skills Training Manual. 2nd ed. Guilford Press; 2015.
- Linehan MM. DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets. 2nd ed. Guilford Press; 2015.
Interpersonal Effectiveness (DEAR MAN) FAQ
What are the DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills?
Three skill sets for difficult conversations: DEAR MAN to get your objective, GIVE to protect the relationship, and FAST to keep your self-respect. You balance them depending on what matters most in the situation.
What is the difference between DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST?
DEAR MAN focuses on the outcome you want. GIVE focuses on keeping the relationship warm and respectful. FAST focuses on holding to your values and self-respect. Most conversations use all three at once.
How do I know which skill to use?
Decide your priority before you speak. If the outcome matters most, lead with DEAR MAN. If the relationship matters most, lead with GIVE. If your self-respect is on the line, lead with FAST.
Are these a substitute for therapy?
They are helpful self-help tools and a strong complement to therapy, but not a replacement, especially for long-standing relationship patterns or severe emotion dysregulation.