DEAR MAN Worksheet: Script an Assertive Ask or a Clear No Before You Speak
The DEAR MAN worksheet helps you plan a clear request or boundary using DBT communication skills. Draft what to say, prepare for pushback, and save your script as a free PDF.
Reviewed by Michael Callans, MSW 
About this tool
The DEAR MAN worksheet is a free planning tool for asking for what you need, declining a request, or stating a boundary. It helps you separate the facts, your feelings, and your specific request before a difficult conversation. DEAR MAN is the signature assertiveness skill from the interpersonal effectiveness module of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). It is used when you have a specific objective: getting something you want, asking someone to change a behavior, or saying no to a request. The skill turns a tense, high-stakes conversation into a clear sequence you can plan in advance, which makes it far easier to stay calm and on point in the moment.
The acronym names seven moves. Describe the situation in plain facts. Express how you feel using I-statements rather than blame. Assert your request or your no directly, without hinting or hoping the other person guesses. Reinforce by naming the positive outcome of them agreeing. Then carry it out: stay Mindful by returning to your point if the conversation drifts, Appear confident through your tone and posture even if you do not feel it, and Negotiate by offering a workable compromise.
DEAR MAN is not about winning or controlling the other person. In DBT it is balanced against two companion skills: GIVE, which protects the relationship, and FAST, which protects your self-respect. Which one you lean on depends on what matters most in that particular conversation. For high-stakes requests, working out your script on paper first is what makes the difference between being steamrolled and being heard. A careful script can improve the clarity of your message, but being heard also depends on the other person and the circumstances. Their refusal does not prove you communicated badly.
Like every DBT skill, this gets easier with repetition. The first scripts feel stiff. After a handful of real conversations, the structure becomes a way of thinking you can run in your head, which is the whole point of practicing skills between sessions.
A common mistake is skipping straight to Assert without Describe and Express, which can come across as demanding rather than clear. Another is over-explaining or apologizing repeatedly during Assert, which dilutes the request; say it once, plainly, then hold your line during Mindful if the other person pushes back.
If assertiveness feels difficult across many relationships, or asking for basic needs brings intense guilt or fear, that pattern is worth exploring with a therapist rather than only practicing scripts on your own. Search the Psychology.com therapist directory to find one trained in DBT.
DEAR MAN comes from Marsha Linehan's DBT skills training approach, described in the manuals listed below. A systematic review by Valentine and colleagues found preliminary support for DBT skills training across mental health and behavioral concerns, while emphasizing limitations in the research. This evidence concerns broader skills training. It does not establish that a DEAR MAN worksheet on its own will resolve conflict or change another person's behavior.
For example, you might tell a roommate: I found dishes in the sink when I needed to cook. I felt frustrated because I could not use the space. Please clear your dishes after cooking. That would make it easier for us to share the kitchen. If the discussion shifts to unrelated complaints, return to the current request and arrange another conversation for the other issue. Offer a practical alternative only if it genuinely works for you.
Review the finished script for actions you can observe: what exactly are you asking the person to do, and what will you do if they decline? Afterward, note whether you expressed your request, listened, and protected your self-respect. The DBT GIVE Skills Worksheet can help with the relationship side of the conversation, and the DBT FAST Skills Worksheet can help you consider your values. Success includes communicating clearly even when agreement is not possible.
Use confidence cues that fit your body, culture, and communication style. Direct eye contact is optional; a written message or a rehearsed sentence may be more accessible. If someone responds with threats, coercion, or retaliation, prioritize safety and seek support rather than repeatedly trying to improve the script. A communication exercise cannot make an unsafe person safe.
References
- Linehan MM. DBT Skills Training Manual. 2nd ed. Guilford Press; 2015.
- Linehan MM. DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets. 2nd ed. Guilford Press; 2015.
- Valentine SE, Bankoff SM, Poulin RM, Reidler EB, Pantalone DW. The use of dialectical behavior therapy skills training as stand-alone treatment: a systematic review of the treatment outcome literature. Journal of Clinical Psychology. 2015;71(1):1-20. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25042066/
Cite this source
Psychology.com. (2026, September 16). DEAR MAN Worksheet. Psychology.com. https://psychology.com/tools/dearman
DEAR MAN Worksheet FAQ
What does DEAR MAN stand for?
Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate. It is a DBT skill for asking for something or saying no in a clear, assertive way that respects both you and the other person. The worksheet separates the message you want to deliver from the skills you use while delivering it.
When should I use DEAR MAN?
Use it when you have a specific objective in a conversation, such as making a request, setting a boundary, or declining something, especially when the conversation feels high-stakes or you tend to back down. Choose a time when you can speak safely and the other person has room to listen. Draft the request in concrete terms before rehearsing.
What is the difference between DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST?
DEAR MAN focuses on getting your objective met. GIVE focuses on keeping the relationship healthy. FAST focuses on keeping your self-respect. In a real conversation you balance all three based on what matters most. You can ask clearly, show interest in the other person, and stay honest about what you can accept within the same conversation.
Is my information saved?
No. Everything stays in your browser. Your script is never uploaded or stored, and the PDF is generated on your own device.
Does DEAR MAN work for setting boundaries with family?
Yes. DEAR MAN was designed for any conversation with a specific objective, and a boundary with a family member is a common use case. The Describe and Express steps matter even more with family, since a long history makes it easy to skip straight to a demand that lands as an attack.
What if the other person does not respond well to DEAR MAN?
Stay in Mindful: calmly repeat your point rather than escalating or backing down. Not every conversation ends in agreement, and DEAR MAN is meant to help you state your position clearly, not guarantee a particular outcome. You can end the conversation and revisit it later if it stalls. If there are threats or intimidation, prioritize leaving safely and getting support instead of repeating the request.
Do I need to say the script word for word?
No. Writing it out first helps you find the clearest version of each point, but in the actual conversation, use your own words and stay flexible. The structure, not the script, is what keeps you on track. You can pause, refer to your notes, or use a written message if that helps you communicate clearly.