DEAR MAN Worksheet
The core DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill for asking for what you need or saying no, scripted out so you walk in prepared and assertive.
About this tool
DEAR MAN is the signature assertiveness skill from the interpersonal effectiveness module of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). It is used when you have a specific objective: getting something you want, asking someone to change a behavior, or saying no to a request. The skill turns a tense, high-stakes conversation into a clear sequence you can plan in advance, which makes it far easier to stay calm and on point in the moment.
The acronym names seven moves. Describe the situation in plain facts. Express how you feel using I-statements rather than blame. Assert your request or your no directly, without hinting or hoping the other person guesses. Reinforce by naming the positive outcome of them agreeing. Then carry it out: stay Mindful by returning to your point if the conversation drifts, Appear confident through your tone and posture even if you do not feel it, and Negotiate by offering a workable compromise.
DEAR MAN is not about winning or controlling the other person. In DBT it is balanced against two companion skills: GIVE, which protects the relationship, and FAST, which protects your self-respect. Which one you lean on depends on what matters most in that particular conversation. For high-stakes requests, working out your script on paper first is what makes the difference between being steamrolled and being heard.
Like every DBT skill, this gets easier with repetition. The first scripts feel stiff. After a handful of real conversations, the structure becomes a way of thinking you can run in your head, which is the whole point of practicing skills between sessions.
- Linehan MM. DBT Skills Training Manual. 2nd ed. Guilford Press; 2015.
- Linehan MM. DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets. 2nd ed. Guilford Press; 2015.
DEAR MAN Worksheet FAQ
What does DEAR MAN stand for?
Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate. It is a DBT skill for asking for something or saying no in a clear, assertive way that respects both you and the other person.
When should I use DEAR MAN?
Use it when you have a specific objective in a conversation, such as making a request, setting a boundary, or declining something, especially when the conversation feels high-stakes or you tend to back down.
What is the difference between DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST?
DEAR MAN focuses on getting your objective met. GIVE focuses on keeping the relationship healthy. FAST focuses on keeping your self-respect. In a real conversation you balance all three based on what matters most.
Is my information saved?
No. Everything stays in your browser. Your script is never uploaded or stored, and the PDF is generated on your own device.