DEAR MAN Worksheet: Script an Assertive Ask or a Clear No Before You Speak
The core DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill for asking for what you need or saying no, scripted out so you walk in prepared and assertive.
Reviewed by Michael Callans, MSW 
About this tool
DEAR MAN is the signature assertiveness skill from the interpersonal effectiveness module of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). It is used when you have a specific objective: getting something you want, asking someone to change a behavior, or saying no to a request. The skill turns a tense, high-stakes conversation into a clear sequence you can plan in advance, which makes it far easier to stay calm and on point in the moment.
The acronym names seven moves. Describe the situation in plain facts. Express how you feel using I-statements rather than blame. Assert your request or your no directly, without hinting or hoping the other person guesses. Reinforce by naming the positive outcome of them agreeing. Then carry it out: stay Mindful by returning to your point if the conversation drifts, Appear confident through your tone and posture even if you do not feel it, and Negotiate by offering a workable compromise.
DEAR MAN is not about winning or controlling the other person. In DBT it is balanced against two companion skills: GIVE, which protects the relationship, and FAST, which protects your self-respect. Which one you lean on depends on what matters most in that particular conversation. For high-stakes requests, working out your script on paper first is what makes the difference between being steamrolled and being heard.
Like every DBT skill, this gets easier with repetition. The first scripts feel stiff. After a handful of real conversations, the structure becomes a way of thinking you can run in your head, which is the whole point of practicing skills between sessions.
A common mistake is skipping straight to Assert without Describe and Express, which can come across as demanding rather than clear. Another is over-explaining or apologizing repeatedly during Assert, which dilutes the request; say it once, plainly, then hold your line during Mindful if the other person pushes back.
If assertiveness feels difficult across many relationships, or asking for basic needs brings intense guilt or fear, that pattern is worth exploring with a therapist rather than only practicing scripts on your own. Search the Psychology.com therapist directory to find one trained in DBT.
References
- Linehan MM. DBT Skills Training Manual. 2nd ed. Guilford Press; 2015.
- Linehan MM. DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets. 2nd ed. Guilford Press; 2015.
Cite this source
Psychology.com. (2026, September 14). DEAR MAN Worksheet. Psychology.com. https://psychology.com/tools/dearman
DEAR MAN Worksheet FAQ
What does DEAR MAN stand for?
Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate. It is a DBT skill for asking for something or saying no in a clear, assertive way that respects both you and the other person.
When should I use DEAR MAN?
Use it when you have a specific objective in a conversation, such as making a request, setting a boundary, or declining something, especially when the conversation feels high-stakes or you tend to back down.
What is the difference between DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST?
DEAR MAN focuses on getting your objective met. GIVE focuses on keeping the relationship healthy. FAST focuses on keeping your self-respect. In a real conversation you balance all three based on what matters most.
Is my information saved?
No. Everything stays in your browser. Your script is never uploaded or stored, and the PDF is generated on your own device.
Does DEAR MAN work for setting boundaries with family?
Yes. DEAR MAN was designed for any conversation with a specific objective, and a boundary with a family member is a common use case. The Describe and Express steps matter even more with family, since a long history makes it easy to skip straight to a demand that lands as an attack.
What if the other person does not respond well to DEAR MAN?
Stay in Mindful: calmly repeat your point rather than escalating or backing down. Not every conversation ends in agreement, and DEAR MAN is meant to help you state your position clearly, not guarantee a particular outcome. You can end the conversation and revisit it later if it stalls.
Do I need to say the script word for word?
No. Writing it out first helps you find the clearest version of each point, but in the actual conversation, use your own words and stay flexible. The structure, not the script, is what keeps you on track.