Communication Styles
A clear guide to the four communication styles: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive, with examples of how each sounds and how to move toward assertive.
About this tool
How we communicate has a huge effect on our relationships, our work, and our self-respect. Most descriptions group communication into four styles: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. The difference between them comes down to how you handle two things at once: your own needs and feelings, and the other person's.
Passive communication puts the other person first to the point of erasing yourself. You avoid conflict, hold back opinions, and let your needs go unmet, which often builds quiet resentment. Aggressive communication does the opposite, asserting your needs at the expense of the other person through blame, criticism, or intimidation. Passive-aggressive communication blends the two: on the surface you go along with things, but the frustration leaks out sideways through sarcasm, the silent treatment, or quiet sabotage.
Assertive communication is the balanced fourth style and the one worth practicing. You express your needs, feelings, and boundaries directly and respectfully, while still honoring the other person. It is not about getting your way every time. It is about being honest and clear without attacking or shrinking. Assertiveness is a learnable skill, not a personality trait, and most people use different styles in different situations.
Notice your defaults, especially under stress, and notice that they often differ by context: assertive at work, passive at home, or the reverse. Awareness is the first step. The assertive examples below give you concrete language to practice.
- Alberti R, Emmons M. Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships. 10th ed. Impact Publishers; 2017.
- Speed BC, Goldstein BL, Goldfried MR. Assertiveness training: a forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clin Psychol Sci Pract. 2018.
Communication Styles FAQ
What are the four communication styles?
Passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. They differ in how you balance your own needs with the other person's, from self-erasing (passive) to balanced and direct (assertive).
What is the healthiest communication style?
Assertive communication, because it expresses your needs and boundaries clearly while still respecting the other person. It is honest without being hostile.
What is passive-aggressive communication?
Appearing agreeable on the surface while expressing anger indirectly through sarcasm, the silent treatment, procrastination, or subtle sabotage.
Can you change your communication style?
Yes. Assertiveness is a learnable skill. With practice, using tools like I-statements, most people can shift from passive or aggressive defaults toward an assertive style.