Cycle of Abuse
A clear, trauma-informed guide to the four phases of the cycle of abuse, and the power and control wheel, to help you recognize a pattern that can be hard to see from the inside.
About this tool
The cycle of abuse is a model first described by psychologist Lenore Walker to explain a pattern many people in abusive relationships recognize: abuse often does not happen all the time, but in repeating phases. Understanding the cycle can help make sense of an experience that feels confusing, especially the question many survivors ask themselves: if it is this bad, why do I stay, and why does part of me still hope it will get better?
The model describes four phases that tend to repeat: tension building, an incident of abuse, reconciliation (sometimes called the honeymoon phase), and a period of calm. The reconciliation and calm phases are part of what makes abuse so hard to leave. The apologies, promises, and renewed affection feel real and offer genuine hope, which keeps a person holding on for the good version of their partner. Over time, the cycle often speeds up and the calm phases shrink.
Abuse is not only physical. The power and control wheel, developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, maps the many tactics abusers use to gain and keep control: intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, minimizing and blaming, using children, economic abuse, coercion and threats, and asserting privilege. Physical and sexual violence form the rim of the wheel, but the spokes can be present without any physical violence at all, and they are still abuse.
Naming a pattern is not the same as being asked to fix it or to leave on someone else's timeline. Leaving can be dangerous and complicated, and there is no single right way to do it. What matters most is your safety and that you do not have to figure it out alone. Trained, confidential advocates can help you think through options whenever you are ready.
- Walker LE. The Battered Woman Syndrome. 4th ed. Springer Publishing; 2017.
- Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs. The Duluth Model: power and control wheel. theduluthmodel.org.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline. Understanding the cycle of abuse. thehotline.org.
Cycle of Abuse FAQ
What are the four phases of the cycle of abuse?
Tension building, the incident of abuse, reconciliation (the honeymoon phase), and a period of calm. The phases tend to repeat, and the cycle often speeds up over time.
Why is it so hard to leave an abusive relationship?
The reconciliation and calm phases bring real apologies, affection, and hope, which makes staying common and understandable. Leaving can also be dangerous and complicated. None of this is a sign of weakness or fault.
Is abuse always physical?
No. The power and control wheel shows that abuse includes emotional abuse, isolation, intimidation, economic control, coercion, and threats. These tactics are abuse even when no physical violence is present.
Where can I get help?
In the US, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. It is free and confidential. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.