Appreciation & Admiration Exercise: Notice and Name What You Value in Your Partner
This exercise helps couples rebuild warmth and fondness by noticing and naming what they value, respect, and admire in each other. Work through simple prompts to put those feelings into words.
Reviewed by Michael Callans, MSW 
About this tool
Fondness and admiration are, in Gottman's research, one of the clearest signs that a relationship can be repaired and kept strong. When partners hold an active sense of respect and affection for each other, they are far better protected against contempt, the most corrosive of the Four Horsemen. This exercise deliberately exercises that fondness, the way you would a muscle.
It is easy, especially under stress or after a rough patch, to let attention drift toward what is wrong with a partner. The mind has a negativity bias: complaints are loud and appreciations are quiet. Couples often still feel the fondness but stop saying it out loud, and the unspoken version does much less good. Naming what you value, in specific terms, brings it back to life for both of you.
Specificity is what makes appreciation land. You're a good person is pleasant but vague. I admire how patient you were with your mom on the phone last night, even though you were exhausted gives your partner something real to feel seen by. The exercise asks for concrete moments and qualities, and then asks you to share them, because spoken appreciation is what rebuilds connection.
Done occasionally, this is a nice gesture. Done regularly, it shifts the emotional climate of the relationship, making both partners more generous, more forgiving, and more willing to turn toward each other.
There is no score to interpret here, only what you choose to say out loud. If you notice it is hard to fill in more than a line or two, that is useful information in itself: it may point to how much distance or resentment has built up between you.
If you and your partner cannot get through this exercise without an argument, or appreciation feels impossible no matter how hard you try, that is a sign it may help to bring in outside support. A couples therapist can help you both find your way back to fondness, and Psychology.com's therapist directory makes it easy to search for one near you.
References
- Gottman JM, Silver N. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books; 1999.
- Gottman JM, DeClaire J. The Relationship Cure. Crown; 2001.
Cite this source
Psychology.com. (2026, September 14). Appreciation & Admiration Exercise. Psychology.com. https://psychology.com/tools/appreciation-exercise
Appreciation & Admiration Exercise FAQ
What is the fondness and admiration system?
It is Gottman's term for the active sense of affection and respect partners hold for each other. Strong fondness protects a relationship against contempt and predicts that it can be repaired and kept strong.
Why does specificity matter so much?
Vague praise is pleasant but forgettable. Naming a concrete moment or quality gives your partner something real to feel seen by, which is what rebuilds connection.
What if I'm too frustrated to feel any appreciation?
That is common during a rough patch. Start small and look for one true thing. Even a modest, genuine appreciation begins to soften the emotional climate.
Is my information saved?
No. Everything stays in your browser. Nothing is uploaded or stored, and the PDF is generated on your own device.
How often should couples do this exercise?
There is no fixed schedule. Many couples benefit from a short round once a week, or whenever things have felt distant or tense. Gottman's research suggests it is the regular practice of noticing and voicing fondness, not a single session, that shifts a relationship's emotional climate over time.
What if my partner does not want to do this with me?
You can still fill it out and share what you notice, even if your partner does not complete their own copy. Voicing specific appreciation out loud often invites a partner in naturally. If distance feels too wide to bridge alone, a couples therapist can help you both re-engage.