Coping with Self-Harm Urges: Ways to Delay Urges and Reach Out for Support

About this tool

If you are having urges to harm yourself, please know this first: you are not bad, broken, or weak. Self-harm is something many people turn to when emotional pain becomes overwhelming and they do not yet have other ways to cope or to feel something change. It often makes sense as an attempt to manage unbearable feelings, even though it brings its own harm. You deserve support, not shame, and urges can be ridden out.

This plan rests on a few ideas that help in the moment. Urges rise, peak, and fall, usually within minutes, so delaying even a little often lets the wave crest and pass on its own. Alternatives that create a strong but safe sensation, like holding ice or a cold shower, can give the nervous system something intense to respond to without injury. And reaching out, even a single text to one person, can break the isolation that urges feed on. None of these is a cure, but together they can carry you through.

Building this plan when you are calmer means you do not have to think clearly in your hardest moment. You will already have written down what helps you, who to contact, and how to make your space safer. Be specific and honest, and be kind to yourself as you do it.

If you have thoughts of ending your life, or you are not sure you can stay safe, this is a moment to reach out right now using the crisis lines below. You can also use the safety plan tool, which is built for exactly this. Everything you write here stays in your browser and is never uploaded or stored.

Researchers who study self-harm, including Klonsky's review of the evidence, describe it as serving a small number of common functions: regulating overwhelming emotion, interrupting numbness or dissociation, communicating pain to someone else, or self-punishment. Knowing which function fits your experience can help you pick alternatives that address the same need, for example a strong-sensation alternative when numbness is what you are trying to break through, or reaching out to someone when the urge is tied to feeling unheard.

Getting through one urge is not the same as resolving what is underneath it. Many people find it helpful to look back, once they are calmer, at what led up to an urge, using a tool like a chain analysis worksheet to map the feelings and events that came before it. Working with a therapist, especially one trained in dialectical behavior therapy, can help you build longer-term skills so urges become less frequent and less intense over time. You can search the Psychology.com therapist directory to find one.

Reviewed by Michael Callans, MSW
Reviewed for compassionate, non-judgmental framing, safety, and inclusion of crisis resources.

References

1. Klonsky ED. The functions of deliberate self-injury: a review of the evidence. Clin Psychol Rev. 2007;27(2):226-239.
2. Stanley B, Brown GK. Safety planning intervention: a brief intervention to mitigate suicide risk. Cogn Behav Pract. 2012;19(2):256-264.
3. 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA).

Coping with Self-Harm Urges FAQ