Four Horsemen Worksheet (Gottman)
Spot the four communication patterns that predict relationship breakdown, then practice the research-based antidote for each one.
About this tool
The Four Horsemen are four communication styles that, from decades of observational research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, strongly predict relationship distress and divorce when they become habitual. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Naming them gives couples a shared language for what goes wrong in the heat of a fight, which is the first step to changing it.
Criticism attacks a partner's character rather than a specific behavior (you always, you never). Contempt, the single strongest predictor of divorce, conveys disgust or superiority through mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or name-calling. Defensiveness meets a complaint with excuses or counter-attack instead of taking any responsibility. Stonewalling is shutting down and withdrawing, often when one partner feels physiologically flooded and overwhelmed.
The good news is that each horseman has a research-based antidote. You replace criticism with a gentle start-up that uses I-statements and a clear request. You replace contempt with a culture of appreciation and respect. You replace defensiveness by accepting even a small part of your partner's point. You replace stonewalling by recognizing flooding and taking a real, agreed self-soothing break of at least twenty minutes before returning to the conversation.
This worksheet is for reflection and skill-building, not for keeping score against a partner. It works best when both people fill it in about their own behavior and then compare notes with curiosity rather than blame.
- Gottman JM, Silver N. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books; 1999.
- Gottman JM, Gottman JS. The Science of Couples and Family Therapy. W. W. Norton; 2018.
Four Horsemen Worksheet (Gottman) FAQ
What are the Four Horsemen in a relationship?
They are four communication patterns identified by the Gottmans that predict relationship breakdown: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Each one has a research-based antidote you can practice.
Which horseman is the most damaging?
Contempt. In the Gottmans' research it is the single strongest predictor of divorce. It includes sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, and name-calling, all of which signal disgust or superiority.
Can a relationship recover from the Four Horsemen?
Yes. The Horsemen show up in many relationships at times. What matters is replacing them with their antidotes consistently, often with the help of couples therapy.
Is my information saved?
No. Everything stays in your browser. Nothing is uploaded or stored, and the PDF is generated on your own device.