What does the word commitment suggest? It usually evokes a strong sense of intention and focus. It typically is accompanied by a statement of purpose or a plan of action. Very often, we utilize this word in regard to proclamations we may make about the seriousness of our relationships. For example, “I’m in a committed relationship,” or “I’m completely committed to this relationship.” In such circumstances, what exactly are we saying? We take it for granted that the word or the expression means the same thing to all of us. I can assure you that it doesn’t.
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Most marriages and primary relationships these days tend to focus more on expediency and structure than on substance and content. In a culture that promotes getting the job done, efficiency regrettably takes precedence over fun. Many couples have become most proficient at getting the job done well. They manage the home, the children and work, but they seem to have lost the capacity to have fun together. They may work well together, but they don’t often love well together.
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The arrival of a baby is a powerful event that brings permanent changes to the life of the couple. Parenthood can affect the perception of one’s self, one’s partner, other relationships, and the world in general. The awareness of being totally responsible for the life of a helpless infant is an awesome, and often frightening, realization. Whether or not this is the couple’s first baby, planned or unplanned, its arrival is always a time of transition and possible crisis.
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I write this as a recovering “low roader“. In years past, when entering into an argument I was willing to pull out the big guns, try to “win” at all costs, and leave my so-called opponent bloody and wounded. I was tough! All that I garnered from that approach was lowered self-esteem, a guilty conscience, and a relationship that was difficult, sometimes impossible, to repair. I knew how to make people fear me and actually thought of that as a positive trait.

Anger is an important emotion. You will never hear me advise you to squelch your irritation and just be “sociable and friendly” (I cannot tell you how many times my father told me to do just that — I never listened). The trick is to figure out what to do with your feelings of outrage, frustration and indignation while holding on to the standards you have set for your own behavior.

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Connection is the reward of relationships. Once called intimacy, connection is simply the emotional depth on which people relate. One of our deepest needs as human beings is to know and be known. The extent to which this occurs in your relationships can greatly affect your sense of well-being.

Many things prevent connection: unintentional drift through busyness and commitments; avoidance due to the fear of getting too close; inability or lack of desire to resolve conflicts that arise; prior unresolved hurtful relationships; lack of empathy; feeling unsafe, particularly if previous disclosures are brought up as weapons in a later conversation; to name a few.
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You’ve met the person of your dreams. It feels so good to be in love and now you are married to this person. Time has gone by and marriage has been good to you, so you thought. You begin to notice some different behaviors from your spouse which at first you ignore. For a while you begin to wonder if something is going on with your spouse, but you brush it off. After all, the last thing you could ever imagine is that your spouse is having an affair. You don’t even want to go there. You begin to piece some things together and your spouse denies everything until the day comes when your spouse gets caught in all his/her lies.
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